There Are No Fortune Cookies In China

I am sad to report that the title for this post is painfully true. That's right, Fortune Cookies do not exist in China. I spent a huge chunk of classtime finding this out.

We were talking about weddings and how (in America) we sometimes propose in unique ways (which is not the case in China). I was trying to think of an example that could be easily understood when I remembered a scene in a movie where the leading man replaces the fortune in a fortune cookie with the message "Will You Marry Me?" As a side note, the cookie is delivered to the wrong table and the laughs are quick to follow! As a side, side note, if anyone can name that movie, I'll send you a genuine rock from China.

I drew pictures of the Fortune Cookie! I came up with examples of common fortunes! I had them look up the Chinese word for fortune and cookie. This drew nothing but blank stares and a repetitious promise that these do not exist in China. I, for one, am taking my students' word to be true! Ladies and Gentleman, there are no Fortune Cookies in China! It's an evil myth that has been put forth by the American corporations. I know what you're thinking..."But Thomas, Fortune Cookies are complimentary. How could that generate evil corporate profit?" To which I reply, "You simple minded bastard!" It is a well known fact that three out of every five fortunes encourage the reader to shop and/or take out a personal loan (IN BED! HA). As you can see, The Great Mandarin, The Frying Dragon (name that movie: part II), and every other Sweet and Sour joint in America is really a front line opperation for Neo-Con economic dominance. There I said it! Come and get me Uncle Sam! Have fun duking it out with Grandpa Mao! May truth prevail, or let the heavens fall (name that movie: Part III).

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, no fortune cookies.

China has changed me. I'm a new man. I am now a man who hates Fireworks. In fact, I hate them with a passion that I typically reserve for the DMV and people who are racist (you know who you are). Why have I turned my back on a time honored American tradition, inviting further reason for Uncle Sam to kick my ass? Well, I'll tell you.

As I hope all of you know, gunpowder and fireworks were invented in China (come on, that's like an answer to a Double Dare question). What you may not know is that fireworks are currnetly woven into many facets of Chinese society. For instance, if you have a buisness opening in China, you light off fireworks to scare away any bad spirits from the premise. The same is true at gravesites for deceased family members. Yes, it seems that the Chinese find just about any excuse to light off fireworks! While this may make for an interesting anthropology paper, it also makes for a shitty alarm clock. You see, another interesting cultural fact is that people in China find it perfectly acceptable to light off massive amounts of fireworks at 8am! Fascinating! Fireworks also make it wonderfully impossible to conduct class when some jerk across the street decides to bless his God Damn Chicken Coup!

Honestly, I remember a time when I would marvel at these colorful explosions. I also remember a time when I would trade one of my sisters for a pack of Blackcats and a few bottle rockets (I think I was 12). Now, I pass these annoying buggers everyday on the street and rarely do I turn my head to see what color they are. Next, I expect China to somehow ruin my taste for candy.

I've finally gotten most of my students to stop using the "N-word". This was a particularly difficult and uphill battle because they've seen so many American movies that say it. Also, by watching these movies the students are confronted with the very confusing fact that Black people say it. The only "America" they know comes from entertainment, so you can imagine why this was a hard sell. Furthermore, ethnic minorities make up less than 2-3% of China's population and about 99% of those minorities stay in their pre-existing locations (such as Mongolia or Tibet). I can't be certain that these facts significantly contribute, but concepts such as race relation and tolerance seems to be hard for my students to understand. Believe me, I've had the discussions.

I know these posts are far more interesting when they contain pictures, but I'm sorry to report that my computer is nowhere near getting fixed. Right now, my promise of hosting and posting video seems like a pipedream...although I am shooting footage. There is one thing to smile about. I was able to find a "seal generator." Don't kid yourself, you want a seal.

There is nothing that needs to be said here. You all think it, I just say it.

This is a seal I made for my friend. Since I typically strip mine the emails I send to her for my blog posts, I didn't think she'd mind if I put her seal up too. In fact, I think her seal is far superior.

The more comments I get, the faster I update. Honestly, if you read this, I'd love for you to add a quick note letting me know.

He Zhang Jie (Thomas "God Among Men" Helgen)