I'm the Bull in the China Shop

Another Blog post? Hey, why not?

In this episode Tommy talks about:

1. English Corner, Foreign Experts Dinner
2. Tommy is Threatened at the Disco
3. My fellow Teachers
4. PHOTO GRAB BAG!

English Corner, Foreign Experts Dinner

I simply must talk about English Corner here in Changsha. They always end up being the highlight of my week. If I have't explained this already, English Corner (or English Salon as some places call it) is a time and place set aside for people who want to converse in English. They are usually held in hotels or disco lounges and always seem to draw large crowds. Simply put, at an English Corner, foreigners are treated like The Beatles. Ok, I'll admit, there isn't as much screaming involved, but the Crackers are definately the center of attention. The point of us being there is to give the Chinese people an oppertunity to talk to a native speaker. Because of this, we usually spread out and position ourselves in different parts of the room. Wherever there sits a foreigner, a ring of Chinese people can always be found. Also, there never seems to be enough chairs so quite often a standing huddle develops, as if a magic trick was being performed.

One of the great things about English Corner is the fact that drinks are free for the foreigners. Truthfully, we are the reason most people show up, so the organizers usually pamper us accordingly. Also, there is an entrance fee for non-foreigners, so whoever shows up really wants to be there. Because of this, English Corner is a lot of fun. In my classes, there is typically a significant number of students that couldn't give a shit about speaking English, but at the Corner everyone is an eager participant. Also, many of the people who are in attendence are adults. This is nice because otherwise I usually don't get the oppertunity converse with non-students.

One thing that I've found interesting is that I've grown less and less fond of the other foreigners that I bump into here in Changsha. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they are far less impressed with my ability to sing "I'm a Litte Tea Pot" (which kills in my classes), or maybe I've come to expect the people that I meet in China to be overly polite. Whatever the reason, I've become amazed at how rude some of them can be. Last week I met two guys from America at an English Corner. They essentially threw a hissy fit when the organizers wouldn't serve them free vodka. They then proceeded to randomly insult Anna and I. A nun would call each of them a prick. Most of the time however, I introduce myself to someone from the States (thinking we have the natural bond of being Americans in China) and they do not share my enthusiam. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't bat an eye if this happened back home, but I've developed new expectations of socializing here in China. Of course, like anything, there are great number of exceptions to this rule. I've met some very nice people at English Corners and the "Foreign Experts Dinner". Also, I can imagine that after a couple of months the novelty of meeting another meiguaren (American) will wear off for me too.

The Foreign Experts Dinner was held a week ago and was intended to honor specific foreigners who have contributed a great deal to the city. It seemed like every white person in the Hunan province was in attendence. This added up to a 100 or so men and women. Suprisingly, most of them were quite old. At first, it felt very odd to be there. Too many pale faces! I nearly messed my pants when I saw a few beautiful (supposedly) American women. What can I say? I've got a thing for pasty skin and capitalist values. We met and talked to an old couple who turned out to be two awesome firecrackers! The man didn't look like Santa Claus, he WAS Santa Claus. The woman proudly told us that it was their 60-something-th anniversary and that later her husband was going to get the only action he ever gets all year long. She wasn't joking. Needless to say, I loved these guys! The dinner was nice, but like I said, it all seemed very strange. Phil and I joked that this was the Chinese Government's way of exterminating the unwanted foreign population. We waited for the doors to slam shut and the walls to slowly move inward.


Tommy is Threatened at the Disco (and Andrew has a birthday)

Now, I'm not going to lead you on. Before I launch into this story, I want to dispell any notion that I was in danger, or even "threatened" in the true sense of the word. I hoped the title would lure you in and if you've reached this point in the update, it seems that it has. However, the fact remains: I was threatened at a disco. Actually, I recieved this threat because of you! That's right! You!

In my last email I said that I intended on getting photos of a disco the next time that I went. If you remember correctly, I wanted to show you these photos because of how trippy the discos can be. Well, for Andrew's birthday (yawn), I was given that chance. After a few drinks back at the apartment, we trucked our way to "The Golden Years". In terms of the experience, for me it was simply Chinese Disco: Round 2. We danced, we had some drinks, blah blah blah. As you can tell, I'm already a little jaded with the experience. It certainly is fun, but not a way I want to spend too many of my weekend nights.

As soon as we had arrived, I busted out my camera and tried to find a location with enough light for a decent picture. This plan was quickly noticed by three disco "bouncers" who would probably have a hard time ejecting a toddler if the situation arrose. There just doesn't seem to be a large cache of "big people" in China. Though, there is a decent chance that these guys knew Kung Fu (which sort of made me want to provoke a fight even more...just to see the pre-fight routine of course). ANYWAY, these three guys created a big commotion. They kept pointing at my camera and pointing at the door, all the while yelling at me in their voodoo language. For some reason, this really ticked me off. From my persective, they all seemed to be desperately searching for a way to assert their authority. It was like getting hassled by a mall security guard. For the first time on this entire trip, I responded as rudely as I possibly could (albeit without speaking the correct language). Part of my anger was in response to every rule and law that I have encountered here in China which doesn't make a lick of sense. Finally, I had some actual people to take the blame this time.

Well, these guys didn't like my attitude. One of them got really close to my face. I moved to the side and walked past them. How anti-climactic is that? Doesn't make for a great story, but it was probably the best outcome I could have hoped for. During the rest of the night, I tried to take as many covert pictures as I could. Unfortunately, the 1.6 billion people in China offer plenty of oppertunities to over-staff places like this, making it very hard to sneak a picture in. The pics I did manage to pull off suck big time. Although one does mistakenly capture a very tender moment.

Out of all the pictures that I took, this one turned out the best. If you can't tell, these pictures were taken by randomly whipping my camera out, taking a picture over my shoulder, and putting the camera back into my pocket before the Camera Patrol could bust me and realize how pointless their job was. I'm not going to lie, this picture completely fails to capture what a Chinese Disco is like. Not enough florescent color and not enough lasers. What it does barely capture is a few members of the "band" that was featured in this particular room of the club. I hate all Chinese music (an issue that will be covered exstensively in another post), but the reason I put the word "band" in quotes is because no one was actually playing their instruments. This wasn't the slightest bit difficult to detect either. Also, and this is even more strange, instead of having a stage, the "band" members were all scattered across the room, each standing on a pedestal. The drummer would be near the entrance and the guitar player would be clear across the room. It was VERY strange. Essentially, these guys were paid to look cool holding an instrument on a pedestal. It was like some fucked up 80's New Wave video. Flock Of Seagulls maybe.

Shitty pic, I know. But, it's the best I got! What's important to note here is the girl walking past. She is a "bartender" at the disco and is paid to dress up like a Bond Girl. Every hour or so, these girls get up on the bar and do some supposedly sexy dance that has them slithering their hands through the air. This is not Coyote Ugly. They all have this distant look in their eyes that makes all this seem like a creepy stepping stone to prostitution, rather than a fun time at the bar. I told you--This place is fucking wierd!

This picture also sucks...or it would have sucked if it didn't accidentally capture that tender moment I had mentioned before. Click on the picture and check out the two buisness dudes in the middle. You can't miss them! They are clearly hammered and appear to be opening up to each other, maybe professing some sort of...we'll call it brotherly love. I suppose this a good time to mention that affection shown to one's own gender is far more acceptable here in China. I've seen plenty of teenage boys holding hands as they walk down street and have gotten used to some Chinese guys being overly touchy with me. You've gotta admit though....this picture captured a cute moment!


My Fellow Teachers...Ask Not What Tommy Can Do For You

Here at the Hunan International University of Economics (whew!) there are currently eight foreign english teachers. Not including the three friends that I came here with, I've decided to give some brief descriptions of the other four teachers.

I've already mentioned Sam. As I've said before, he's been a tremendous help to us so far. He has also become fast friends with the Carleton bunch. His Chinese is very good and he has a Chinese girlfriend who doesn't speak any English. Well, that's not true. She has a firm grasp on every swear word in the book. The swear word book that is. Interestingly, the four of us get along quite well with her. It's hard to explain how this is, but basically we give her thumbs up when she beats on Sam and rub our bellies when she cooks us tasty food. As Sam tells us, she's very different from the other Chinese girls. This is because she has her own opinions and doesn't think condoms should be sold along with engagement rings. Here is some documentation of the never ending war that takes place between these two.


Mark is an American who's in his 40's. He's married a woman here in China and doesn't appear to be going back to the states any time soon. That's one thing that is interesting when meeting other foreigners, they all are on completely different journeys. I'm planning on staying here for a year (maybe longer), but a lot of people don't see this as a temporary stay. Mark lives in a different building, so we don't get to see him that often, but when we do, he's welcome company. He drives a Harley-esque motorcycle which he is very proud of...and makes him the coolest looking guy in China. One other thing about Mark is that when you begin talking to him, get comfortable. It's remarkable how much distance he can get out of even the most mundane topics. It's hardly a problem, but sometimes I have to remind him that both our classes began 2 minutes ago.

Kevin. Holy lord! What can I say about Kevin? Well, I'll start with the bare facts. He's from Pakistan originally, but has lived all over the world. His primary residency lately has been in England. Also, he's been in China for three years and is very well known in the english speaking circles around the city. The reason for this is that he's worked for many different Universities and goes to English corner just about every chance that he gets. He's 38, but I didn't believe it when I first heard this. He looks and DEFINATELY lives the lifestyle of someone in their late 20's. He often wears a bandana and has his ears pierced. Kevin loves the Carleton posse because we don't mind hearing his endless parade of dirty jokes and war stories about the many Chinese women that he's conquered. Truth be told, Kevin is a great guy and I love hanging out with him. He might be totally different than the people I usually spend my time with, but in the end he has a genuine respect for us and that can travel a long way. I'm sorry, it's too hard to explain this guy. He's an original. At least I can show you what he looks like:

For those who didn't know...yes, Phil has a Mohawk. Considering the fact that we often get mobbed for our white skin, you can imagine the kind of reactions that he gets when he sports the Mo'.

Terry is an Englishman. I don't really get Terry. He often makes comments about England, America, or just about anything that I just don't understand. There is a small bit of tension between him and I, but nothing to get in a tizzy about. I don't want to say too much because quite frankly, I don't know who reads this blog. This is actually true for my descriptions of each teacher (for better or for worse). I just want to make sure that I'm not talking about people who read this blog. That seems a bit gossipy, but this blog is intended to inform those back home and not to communicate with other people here (Carleton friends excluded). So whatever; Terry is a older gent who is nice enough. He seems intent on meeting a nice Chinese girl and doesn't seem hindered by any age barrier.


PHOTO GRAB BAG!


This photo was taken in one of the temples that I visited. These types of statues seem to be common in Chinese temples, but this guy is friggin' awesome for obvious reasons. He quite literally is the GOD OF ROCK! Eat your heart out Jimmy Page! Until you get a 14 foot statue in a temple, you ain't shit!


Ever wonder what a back alley in China looks like? Well wonder no further! Although, truth be told, this was a more like a back alley for tourists. The vendors were relentless! I'm sure many of you who have been abroad can relate to this. But can any of you say that one of the vendors chased you down the alley and physically hit you a couple of times? Didn't think so! She kept demanding that I purchase one of her artworks, to which I replied "NO! You hit me, you witch!"


I just don't know enough information to say anything relevant about this picture. It looks pretty cool though, doesn't it?


This is inside a Pizza Hut in Beijing. If the picture doesn't show this, Pizza Hut is actually one of the classiest places you can eat here in China....certainly one of the most expensive. In this particular resteraunt, there was marble staircase that brought you to the dining room. Looks like we have yet another entry in the "Somewhat Strange Chinese Version of Something" book.


This is one of the many random, yet beautiful places that I've visited so far in China. I'm going camping tomorrow actually, so I'm sure that I'll collect some more good looking photographs. There is something very peaceful about the forests of China.


Alrighty! I've gotta get to bed. As I mentioned, I'm going camping tomorrow and I need to get some sleep. I don't have time to add more, nor do I have time to fix the GOD DAMN HTML that makes this underlined. Ah well.

Leave me some sweet comments that I'll read when I get back...especially if have yet to comment! I need to know who is reading this MoFo.

Tommy